marriage

 Why did I choose to marry you?

One is, you're hot.

Why are you laughing?

We have two kids.

We have been married for almost six years now.

I always wanted a person who is very funny

very happy-go-lucky

who knows how to party and he knows how to work.

You were everything that I ever dreamt of.

You're like my dream guy.

Now you know?

I have known her for nearly 50 years.

42 years married, 50 years dating and so on.

I'm not good looking, so I did ask her

I said, "Sweetheart, why did you marry me?"

She said, "Actually, I'm a very practical person.

I purposely chose you because you're not handsome."

I said, "Why?"

She said, "Because I know if you look like Leonardo DiCaprio

[In Malay] alamak (gosh), all the girls will want you!

So I chose you because I know nobody wants you.

Only I am silly enough to take you."

[Laughs]

Anyway, I thank God for that.

We have been married for 26 years.

The first time I met her

at first I thought, "Wow

is this Maizurah Hamzah (Singaporean singer) or what?"

Why I chose to marry him is because

he was very brave to meet up with my father.

Because my father is very strict.

Because he is an ex-army sergeant.

My father had known him as a recruit

so my father knew him first.

When my father looked at him, "This man?

This guy wants to court my daughter? I don't think so."

But after that, he talked to my father

my father liked him so much.

Even until today.

We've been married since 2017.

We've known each other since 2015.

So it has been many years already.

And I just gave birth to a baby girl.

Jean: Why did you choose to marry me?

Why did I choose...

Jean: Why?

Because I think she's someone that I do not want to lose

and I do not want to stop chatting together with every day.

Then in my heart, I'm saying that

"No, I cannot let go of this lady.

So once you've let her go, you'll definitely regret it."

So that's why I locked down.

Lock her down.

Marriage is actually more than what I imagined.

I think marriage is a lot more about commitment.

It goes beyond being so tired and still doing it.

And when you have kids, it's a whole different ballgame.

Because both of us are in an interracial marriage

with different religions, different cultures

we actually took up the responsibility

to look after our two boys by ourselves.

So that we're fair.

Nobody has ever imagined that

he would be the person he is today who

after work, he comes back home

he doesn't do any more entertainment.

It's all about family, about spending time with our children.

So even if his friends call him, he'll say

"No, I'm very tired.

I need to look after the boys."

When we first got married

we always think that, wow, marriage is so romantic

a knight in shining armour coming for you.

But in reality, we have a lot of differences.

J: Living with each other.

A: Living with each other with all the habits is different.

So when I married her she said, "You must wear pajamas."

I said, "Why can't I wear my short pants

the same shirt I wore the whole day?

Why can't I sleep - "

"No way, you're not going to sleep with me if you don't (wear pajamas)."

So I've got to learn, you know.

And one of the major adjustments when I married her is that

I was a captain (in the army).

I had a tendency to talk down to her.

You know, like, "You are my subordinate", that kind of thing.

A: Yes.

J: And she has to remind me

"Excuse me... I'm not your soldier."

"Okay, sorry ma'am."

[In Mandarin] After we got married, I realised I became a different man.

I mean, a changed man.

I became more stable and sensible.

More [In Singlish] steady bom pi pi.

[In English] More steady.

[Laughs]

I actually extended and prolonged the time of courtship.

Because I realised that

Jean: I wanted to test him, whether he would be stable enough

Jake: Still worth it or not.

Jean: I wanted to test him, whether he would be stable enough

steady enough, patient enough to accept who I am now.

He gives me that kind of security.

I think this is how I imagined (marriage) to be.

We still joke, we still say funny things, dirty things.

I did get some experiences from my friends, saying that, you know

they did not stay together before marriage.

And then when they actually got married

they realised that they couldn't stay together

and they couldn't suit each other's lifestyles and habits.

(Staying together) is what we did before our marriage.

So you can see like, does he snore?

The cleanliness, the sleeping style.

It's a challenge.

More challenging than what we think.

Actually the difficulties are mostly financial.

He had gotten all the credit cards

although I mentioned to him, "No, don't."

These people come in (and say)

"Oh, bro, for your salary, you will be able to get this credit card

for a so-called good offer."

In the end, I almost got a cut on my head.

Because when you dig one hole, you open up another hole.

So that is when the problem comes.

From there, I didn't want to make her worry

so I tried to overcome it by myself

because I'm the one who created the problem.

I didn't want her to be involved.

But in the end, she also had to get involved in my situation.

I was very disappointed, angry and sad also

because he never shared with me about his difficulties.

I was angry but I controlled myself

because I always think that if I have too much anger

we won't solve this problem.

I've washed my hands already. No more.

I don't want to apply for any of the (credit) cards.

I just want my family to be happy from now on.

Did he change?

Well, as you grow older, you kind of mellow too.

So I just accept him as who he is

and just, well.

Sometimes she changes.

If I can't change, she changes.

I mean, that is how you get along, you know.

26th of March is our Hindu wedding

C: 26th of April is our church wedding.

M: Ya.

C: 26th of April is our church wedding.

27th of April is our customary wedding.

So it's like one after the other, it's impossible to forget.

But we don't know which one to celebrate all the time.

For me, I'm a very practical guy, so I don't believe in anniversaries.

The day I met her is the best day ever.

I never forget.

I always forget.

As long as he remembers that he has me as a wife.

R: That's all.

S: Every day we can do our anniversary.

R: That's all.

I'm a driver and I spend a lot of time on the road.

Sometimes from Changi I will buy food for (her and her colleagues)

then I will just bring it down to Jurong.

We always remember our anniversary.

He's so sweet, he will always buy me flowers

and gifts and all that.

I'm quite a romantic person.

Our anniversary, her birthday, my birthday

Mother's Day, Father's Day, are all in the diary.

So we don't forget.

We need to celebrate milestones in our lives.

And to tell our children that marriage is good.

You know, ya, it's good.

Look at mum and dad.

Ladies first.

Okay, we disagree quite a bit when it comes to parenting.

We were always fighting back then.

We can accept whatever that happens between us, but not our kids.

Especially our firstborn

because I'm the only daughter and he's the only son

and that's our first son so we had a lot of arguments also

because we were influenced by both our parents as well.

How they think that it should be like.

But later on, we came to a conclusion that

no, we have to make decisions for ourselves.

Because we accepted that we are from different backgrounds

different cultures, different religions.

So we decided that we were going to raise them on both sides.

So we will respect whatever that he has to do in Hinduism

he will respect whatever I have to do in Catholicism for the kids.

And we have been very happy since.

In the beginning, when the kids came

there'd be disagreements about how to raise the children.

A: Yeah.

J: She's very strict, you know.

Cannot eat this, cannot eat that, bad for your health, and all that.

But I am liberal.

She still remembers that I bought one lollipop for my daughter

as big as her face.

Can you imagine how long it would take for her to lick the lollipop?

"Why did you go and buy this food?"

I think communication is one of the most important (things).

You need to communicate with each other.

If you don't communicate, you sweep everything under the carpet

it's not going to work.

What I would do, I would tell him

I said, "If I shout

if I am angry, you keep quiet.

R: You don't be angry also."

S: Don't interrupt.

R: You don't be angry also."

R: Don't interrupt.

If he is angry

like I know that his face is angry or whatsoever

I won't disturb him.

So I will tell my kids

"Okay, bapa (father) is not in the mood.

You don't make him angrier."

My wife and my kids, they've got a chat group.

No, you also have.

No, without my name.

Usually, what happens is

if I argue, or if I get angry

I'll just walk out of the house and meet my friends

so that we don't have very heated arguments.

It's like, you know, it's already too hot

so it's better to step out and come back again.

We will text each other what we felt.

And I feel that it's a lot better because

he will read everything before he answers and replies.

Whereas if we do it face to face

before he completes his sentence or before I complete my sentence

we would make it even worse.

So, ya, texting sort of helps.

Thanks to WhatsApp.

[Laughs]

In an argument, look at each other in the eyes and say

"Maybe you are right."

And that settles everything.

She doesn't want to argue. "Maybe you are right."

So she says, this guy accepts that maybe I'm right.

And I'm also giving myself a chance in that, maybe she's right.

There are many times when I tell him to do certain things

and it's not done, and I repeat myself

and then he gets mad and he would raise his voice.

Sometimes it's simple things, like when she says

"Jeff, where are the scissors?"

I say, "Down there!"

"Is it? Excuse me.

Can you say that all over again in a very loving voice?

And the children are listening to what you've just said to me.

A: Yes.

And the children are listening to what you've just said to me.

A: Ya.

You are teaching them to be rude."

You need to say, "I am sorry."

"Sorry" is such a difficult word to say.

You can win the argument

but you will lose the good relationship with one another.

"Sorry", you know, is so easy (to say).

But for him, sometimes he will say it too much.

He would be like, "Sorry."

Then he would say it a second time, "Sorry."

The third time when he'd want to say it again, I'd be like

"Can you stop saying that?"

Sometimes he is very xiao nan ren (soft).

When I want him to be a bit macho.

But at least he's a man who knows how to say sorry.

I think it's a thing that deserves respect from us.

No.

I sound like didi (younger son).

No, no.

So I appreciate everything that he does.

Even the littlest thing, like to start the washing machine

I would say thank you for doing that. It's like an extra mile.

No, I never took him for granted.

I cook good food for him to eat.

Ya, I'm prosperous.

Her food is very nice. Very good cook.

R: Ya, he was not like this before.

Her food is very nice. Very good cook.

[Laughs]

R: Ya, he was very skinny.

S: Previously I was like this, you know?

R: Ya, he was very skinny.

Now he's like that.

I'm in a wheelchair, so

when I shower I need to hop on the shower chair.

When I change, I need to hop on the bed

to change my clothes and everything.

So he would help me along the way.

I feel I would take him for granted

as in like, "Can you be faster?"

You know, that kind of thing.

But for me to spark, to realise that

I take him for granted, is quite fast.

Then I would be like

"Okay, why'd I do that?"

You know, it's not his job or his duty to (assist me).

He cares for me and loves me.

He's very concerned about me, that's why he does that.

So interesting.

What does love look like to you now?

Love, now, is companionship.

I wish when the Lord calls me home

He calls me home first.

I can say it to her right now.

You know, I can't live without you, seriously.

Wow.

[In Hokkien] Are you for real?

[Laughs]

He shares (his love for me) with our daughter.

Ya, a bit, but I did say

she's still number one in the rankings

the second place is to the baby.

I don't believe you.

Really.

Can I live without her?

Cannot.

Producer: Why?

She plays a very important role in my heart.

In my daily routines, whenever I go to work and come back

so the first thing I want to see is her.

Be it whether she's in a wheelchair

to me, she's still just a normal lady.

You know, the pain.

All the daily stuff that she encounters

to me, she's still very strong.

Producer: So Jean, why are you crying?

I think nobody has asked this kind of question before.

Next question is.

[In Mandarin] It can be washed off, don't worry.

What do you think about saying "I love you"?

I love you.

[Laughs]

When you get to hear these words, everything starts to, you know

be it whether how tired you are, you'll get sweetened up.

It brightens up the day.

During our church wedding

there's this priest called Father Simon Pereira

that we are very, very close to.

He actually gave us a tip to have a very happy marriage.

It's where you wake up every morning and say "I love you like crazy".

So he made both of us say it in front of the congregation.

Everyone heard us.

So it was an everyday duty and we are still doing it.

Whether it's like face-to-face or through messages

we always make sure to say "I love you" every day.

For me, it's action.

Actions speak louder than words.

J: Ya.

Actions speak louder than words.

So every time when she does my hair, she's saying "I love you".

For him, action and words of affirmation.

I have faith in you.

Okay.

Before you get married, you have to know each other first.

Learn more about your partner.

During your married life, also continue to learn about your partner.

Communication is important.

Trust each other.

Do not listen to third parties.

End of the day, marriage is about you and your wife.

Never compare your husband, your wife

with somebody's husband or wife.

Don't compare your mother-in-law with your friend's mother-in-law.

No. No comparisons.

Always look at the good of the person that you've married.

Basically it's all about maintaining.

Jake: Maintaining.

Maintaining what you are during courtship time.

Maintaining what you are during courtship time.

Jake: Mmm.

Maintaining what you are during courtship time.

And relationship time.

I know that we can maintain it until we grow old.

Because he's the one.

Am I your one?

Okay?

It's awkward, right?

M: No?

C: We are very awkward.

[In Mandarin] I can't!

Saying our vows is very difficult, we will cry.

[In Hokkien] S: Paiseh (embarrassed).

[In Malay] R: Alamak (gosh) my husband.

[In English] Ya, he is like this.

I'm an emotional guy.

I can be jovial, I can be emotional.

I, Jeffrey Goh, take you, Alice Seow, to be my wedded wife.

Thank you for being a great husband and a hands-on dad.

[In Malay] I hope we get to build up a happy marriage

even with (all the) challenges.

[In English] Darling, I will compromise all your nonsense, all the

All my nonsense.

All your good and bad things.

You'll always stay healthy.

This you'll have to promise.

In sickness and in health, till death do us part.

Help me God.

[In Malay] I want to apologise.

I don’t get to give luxurious things to you and the kids.

I have given you what I am capable of providing.

And may we go through our ark of love together.

If God wills so. Amin.

[In English] We still do.

Aww.

Producer: I've not said that you may kiss the bride.